Cosmic Debris by Gary Greenberg Sales Ova-ture

October 1999 -- As we stand at the threshold of a brave new millennium, we find ourselves able to perform wondrous feats of technological magic.

For example, we are learning how to re-engineer genes to cure previously incurable afflictions such as cancer, multiple sclerosis and Jesse Helms.

We can now quite literally see to the ends of the universe, where nothing exists except for faint traces of Donald Trump’s ego.

We can drive and talk on the phone at the same time (Note: although this is technologically possible, it has never been scientifically proven that driving and talking on the phone are humanly possible, especially in Miami).

And now, through the modern miracles of the Internet, bio-technics and collagen implants, we can bid for fashion model ova via e-mail.

That’s right. If you want a child who looks good in clothes and you’re willing to pay handsomely for it, a website is currently conducting auctions for fashion model eggs. Bids start at anywhere from $15,000-$150,000 and go up from there. To the highest bidder goes the prize: a farm fresh, Grade A fashion model egg suitable for test tube (or other) fertilization and implantation into the uterus of your choice.

The auctioneer, a fashion photographer named Ron, claims, “This is Darwin at his very best. It’s the butterfly that’s the prettiest that gets the guys.”

Darwin would probably be amused over this whole thing if he hadn’t been dead for more than a century. It would be reassuring for him to know that although his theory of evolution has come under continual attack from TV evangelists and Midwestern school boards, it still has the steadfast support of a fashion photographer named Ron.

Of course, if old Charlie were still around, he might want to re-think his famous theory at this point. For millions of years, evolution has been shaped by a process known as natural selection, or survival of the fittest. Natural selection is why elephants have trunks, why giraffes have long necks and why rednecks have beer guts. Through the millennia, natural selection has constantly fine-tuned and strengthened every species (except maybe TV evangelist species) so that they can best cope with their environments. But suddenly, here comes a fashion photographer named Ron who’s changing the whole darn thing.

Thanks to Ron, the driving force behind evolution will now start to shift from natural selection to market value. The genes that will propagate and thrive will be those that are most marketable. Seeing how Ron’s web site was reported to have received more than five million hits and bids up to $42,000 on its first day, it would seem as though the genes most valued by our society are those that belong to the most physically attractive people, or at least people who “take a good picture.”

Other less relevant genetic attributes, such as intelligence, congenital health and vertical leap, don’t warrant even a mention at the fashion model ova auction web site. After all, as Ron would no doubt say: “One picture sells a thousand genes.”

But do looks really matter so much to people who aren’t fashion photographers? Do we want beautiful, vapid, narcissistic children or do we want well-rounded ones?

I’m sure you would all agree with me that having a healthy, bright and well-balanced child is much more important than having one who just looks great in a pair of Calvin Klein’s. So this is why, if you’re looking for ova, you’ve come to the right place.

I now have to offer a select few of my lovely wife Nora’s ova. When she was younger, Nora was as beautiful as any of Ron’s models, evident by the following photo of her with a young sea turtle named Waldo.

Nora comes from healthy stock, evident by her family’s unfortunate history of longevity, not to mention good teeth. She has held up well through the years, evident by the fact that you won’t find even one gray hair in her head for weeks after she visits the beauty parlor. She is extremely intelligent, evident by the fact that she married me. She also has a wonderful sense of humor, evident by the fact that she married me.

Another reason to choose Nora’s ova over a model’s is that she has already proven how good they are, evident by our son Glen. Glen is the most beautiful, intelligent and perfect child in the world, and if you don’t believe me, just ask either one of his grandmothers. Most of the models on Ron’s web site have no children, therefore, their ova are unknown qualities.

And although good genetic make-up is indeed priceless, we must point out Nora’s ova are far more economical than fashion model ova. We’d be willing to part with them for a mere $9,999.95 apiece, and that includes shipping and handling. Furthermore, if you order today, you’ll get a free do-it-yourself in-vitro fertilization kit so that intra-uterine implantation can be done where it belongs, in the privacy of your own kitchen (drop-cloth included).

If you’re looking for the right ova at the right price, shop no more. Nora’s ova are the way to go!

Supplies are limited, so don’t delay. Call 1-800-NORAOVA and order today!